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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-02-2018
At a Scottish cocktail reception I was invited to take a small piece of sausage on a stick from a tray.
"What`s this?" I asked. "A canape"?
"Nae problem" replied the waiter... "They`re free".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 02-02-2018
BESTIALITY INSOMNIACS. Try not to think about sheep when trying to get to sleep, don’t try cat napping either.
Part of the thrill of Tinder or POF is not knowing whether you will meet the love of your life or end up being murdered and worn as a skin suit!
Some girls be like "He is my absolute world!"
Really love? He is your fourth world this year, what are you trying to do, build a xxxx solar system or something?
I was mortified when I caught my dad dressed up in my mum's clothes for the first time. That skirt with those shoes?
My friends have entered me in an Innuendo Competition.
Told my brother that I once stuck my sausage roll in my mate's chocolate fountain at his 21st party. In hindsight, I could have worded that better....
Never trust a plumber who turns up in wellies.
Avid spelling mistates by Simonly texting wen the buss stops mooning
Did You Know?.. if it wasn’t for electricity we'd all be watching television by candle light.
Last longer when having sex with your girlfriend, by simply keeping a photo of your wife close at hand
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life then?”
He replied, “I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
I said, “I don’t go in for any of that astrology bollocks.”
He replied, “Neither do I. Thermometer just broke.”
Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.
Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids
The most common owl is the 'teet'. They mostly hang around in kitchens. Not to be confused with the larger owl which is of course the Baft Owl, close cousin of the Mediterranean Beached Owl.
The rarest owl is the sanitary, very rarely seen, likes to hide away and only developed wings in the 80’s.
Trampoline is a streak-free cleaner for the homeless, not something a fox shits on in your back garden.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-02-2018
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" ?.
Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".
Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" ?.
Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", ?.
Donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !.
Think WBA have a few playing now........... No pride. No passion. No premiership future.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 03-02-2018
Just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I have only gone and poisoned myself.
What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.
They said I should be out sometime in the spring.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-02-2018
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-02-2018
Getting old is so hard at times.........
Yesterday I got Preparation H mixed up with Poligrip.
Now I talk like an asshole........ But at least my gums don`t itch.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-02-2018
A big shout out to all you fit gorgeous girls, it`s Valentines day next week. Oh and for you fat ugly ones it`s also Pancake day.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-02-2018
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £25,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having a new Kitchen"
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-02-2018
Beefy, a furniture dealer from Cannock , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Beefy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Beefy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.!!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 06-02-2018
My friend's son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls' toilets with his willie hanging out. Apparently, he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so my friend rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and stuck by the suspension.
Getting a bit peeved, my mate asked the headmaster if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others at the school that he could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year seven chemistry that he is paid to do"!!
DD