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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 25-01-2018
A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-01-2018
Bloke goes in to a pub, but instead of the landlord, he’s been replaced by a robot. The bloke asks the robot for a pint, the robot says ‘certainly sir, but may I ask your IQ? “.
“150” answers the bloke.
The robot then talks to him all evening about particle physics, nuclear fission, global warming, all kinds of intelligent things.
Next night, same bloke same pub, but this time he tells the robot his IQ is 120. Robot talks to him all evening about women, guns, rugby, cars...
Next night, same bloke, same robot, but the bloke thinks “I’ll catch him out, so when the robot asks his IQ, he says “85”.
Robot turns back to him and says ‘haaaaaave yoouuuuu goooot youuuur Woooollllllvvvvvves seeeeaasson ticccckkkkket yeeeeeet?....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-01-2018
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-01-2018
The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad died suddenly at his home last week, aged 91.
His funeral had to be postponed as his employee´s were assembling his coffin.
They were missing 8 screws,5 nuts and 4 washers and the hinges from the lid, and oh, an allen key.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - drewks - 29-01-2018
This IS the joke thread, right?
OK.
VAR
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-01-2018
Since the Doctor put my G/F on her new tablets we have had sex every night........
It seems that nothing will wake her.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 30-01-2018
A man is walking his dog through a churchyard one morning when he espies another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning", says the dog walker cheerily.
The other man replies "No, just having a shit".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-02-2018
After taking my time and giving it due consideration, I`ve decided I`ll give Dry January a go.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-02-2018
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-02-2018
Why is there enough Tarmac to build speed bumps, but not enough to fill in potholes??
DD
