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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-01-2018
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested that I go to the Senior Centre to hang out with the lads.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're over ** years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?
I proudly showed her my membership card.
She said, "For heaven's sake, Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! - I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a Senior Citizen is not easy.!!!...
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 17-01-2018
A self-important sex therapist boasted that he could tell how often people had sex,simply by looking at the smile on their face.To test his theory,he filled the room with people of different ages,and went down the line asking each one to smile.His deductions proved correct in every case,until he arrived at the last person in the line,none other than Beefy,who was grinning from ear to ear......"Twice a day," guessed the therapist.......
"No",said Beefy..........
"Once a day?".......
"No".......
"Once a week?".......
"No"..........
"Once a month?".........
"No"..........
"Once every six months?"..........
"No"..........
"Once a year?".........
"Yes".
"Well what the hell have you got to look so happy about."?,snapped the therapist,angry that his theory wasn't working..........
To which Beefy beamed........."Tonight's the night"..........!!!!!.....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-01-2018
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-01-2018
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer. )
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They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter!! )
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand......
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-01-2018
For those who haven't heard, Washington State has just passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that they were passed on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says. "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before....
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - 4evaabaggie - 18-01-2018
DD, don't want to be contrary but it was "minstrels" that melted in your mouth not in your hands .........
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 18-01-2018
(18-01-2018, 20:24)4evaabaggie Wrote: DD, don't want to be contrary but it was "minstrels" that melted in your mouth not in your hands .........
Actually they were originally Treet`s but M&M`s now make the claim lol. My cousin could make them melt in her hand. DD
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treets
RE: The Off Topic Thread - twertonparkbaggie - 18-01-2018
How do you get a stuck peanut out of an ear? Pour chocolate in the other. It will come out a treat. (treet !)
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-01-2018
I'm having a microwave curry for my supper. the instructions say remove outer packaging and film lid before cooking.
Does anyone know how long I have to film the lid because I'm getting really hungry.!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 19-01-2018
I went into Wilkos and asked the assistant. "Do you have any two-watt bulbs?".
He replied. "For what?"
I replied"That'll do. I'll take two."
He replied"Two what?"
I replied "I thought you didn't have any."
He replied"Any what?"
I replied " Ok then yes, please."
He replied.. "Just a moment sir,I'll get the manager,perhaps he can assist you more.".....>>>>>
DD
