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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-01-2018
Fifteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. (FFS not on a scorcher of a day) it's an experiment NOT a murder!!!! Then open the boot, and observe who's happy to see you!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 04-01-2018
Well that was embarrassing.
My neighbour popped around and asked if I could help her with her fingering technique.
After an enjoyable half hour and multiple orgasms she left muttering "If I'd known learning to play guitar was this much fun I'd have done it years ago......."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-01-2018
My grandad died last week at the ripe old age of 105.
He said before he went that the secret of life was swallowing a teaspoon of Dynamite three times a day with his tea.
He said, "When i go, i want everyone who knew me to remember me with a bang of laughter and not the usual morbid faces you see at funerals.
Unfortunatly, the crematorium , the vicar and the wailers also went with a bang when we creamated him leaving a crater of 3 Meters wide and 2 Meters deep!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-01-2018
UNIMPRESSED by having your passport changed to Blue? Fear not! They will also come in BoyZone and 5ive versions.
The new blue UK passports will also have a few pages of Sudoku and Wordsearch at the back for you to fill in while waiting in the long non-EU queue at the airport, when they are introduced.
After Brexit... orange juice, champagne and olive oil will be substituted by Irn Bru, white lightening and lard.
They say one person in your group of friends has the potential to be a murderer, so I pushed Dave in front of a lorry this morning just in case it was him.
The G/F told me she wanted decking for her birthday….cant bloody wait!
Sweep grandma off her feet next festive season by not holding onto your end of the Christmas cracker.
HEROIN addicts, now's the time to try cold turkey.
To the lady in front of me.......it's a speed bump, not a xxxx land mine...
I wish I hadn't bought my young son an unbreakable toy for Christmas. He used it to smash the shit out of all his other toys...
London zoo fire. Meerkats missing. Insurance job. Simples.
Whenever my G/F starts singing around the house I immediately go into the front garden. That way the neighbours know I’m not smacking her about.
. Were hippopotamuses named hippopotamuses because they were really hip popotamuses or what ?
Piss off McDonalds staff by asking for a medium rare big mac...chips and mushy peas and a pineapple milk shake....for extra effect pretend you have a stutter and a dodgy battery in your hearing aid.
The "Best Before" date on food packaging isn't the date the food dies, it's the date on which the challenge starts to find out how water tight your chocolate starfish is!
Eating a bag of McCoy's crisps can get you in a lot of trouble with Captain Kirk, he's a right sneaky little grass.
Be creative, invent a perversion.
If there's one thing my G/F hates, it's having rat meat dangled into her cage & then snatched away before she can grab it.
Time to clean out my fridge. The stuff growing in there has set up a variety of governmental systems & they keep going to war with each other.
How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your arse? If it gets that wrong the results won’t be pretty!
Bugger it, my glasses just fell in the toilet, now I can't see for shit!
Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup- somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing
I washed the car with my son today. Worst sponge. EVER
Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing at a female.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-01-2018
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 05-01-2018
A performer was on stage,he looked at the audience and said."Can everyone see me,?".The audience consisted of a mixture of English....French.....Spanish......Germans.....So the reply came back....."Yes"...."Oui"...."Si"....."Ja". DD
O/T - Political Correctness - talkSAFT - 07-01-2018
I can picture the PC Brigade stroking their beards, pondering over this point (that I was reading in today's paper):-
"The Students Union have banned the wearing of sombreros, which they say is racist" !!!!
This is now lowering the levels of what's ridiculous.
(Would PC condemn, or raise a fuss, if they found out that some Mexicans were wearing kilts at a New Years Eve party? Are "Irish Jokes" banned forthwith? Can we complain to the Police when Blues fans start that "Yam Yam" chant?... and as for calling all Swansea fans sheep-shaggers!!!)
The point I'd make is that there's only one adjective for the word offended
99% of black people would rightly be offended at monkey chants, and the word offended would be accurate....
(say) 2% of French people might be fractionally offended by being called "Frogs"....
(say) 50% of Italians would rightly be offended when our comedians joke that they're all cowards....
(say) 1% of "Yanks" (am I allowed to say "Yanks") might be slightly offended at being labelled Big Mouths....
But one Mexican in 130 million might be slightly offended by a Party-goer at an English Students Ball wearing a sombrero (presumably with a droopy moustache and poncho). That one person, though, is enough to make PC people absolutely correct when the Students Union pillock (am I allowed to call him* that word?) claim that the 1 person might be offended and, therefore, it can be described as "racist".
* Whoops - it might have been a "her" or even a "cross-gender" person.
The PC Brigade must be the most self-satisfied smug people on Earth. But they seem to rule these days.
Give us some more examples of ridiculous PC statements, and how they've killed this Country's proud freedom of speech.
RE: O/T - Political Correctness - themaclad - 07-01-2018
Born in the 50's we are in danger of turning into a nation of soft twats, let's not offend people, days for this that and the other every cause you think of and if you complain about it well the world will end
RE: O/T - Political Correctness - drewks - 07-01-2018
talkSAFT, I'm offended by the suggestion that I may be offended by any of the drivel you mention.
Seriously, it HAS got to the stage that, very often, you daren't say what you WANT to say for the fear of someone jumping on you because of what how something COULD be interpreted.
Madness.
RE: O/T - Political Correctness - talkSAFT - 07-01-2018
(07-01-2018, 19:12)drewks Wrote: talkSAFT, I'm offended by the suggestion that I may be offended by any of the drivel you mention.
Seriously, it HAS got to the stage that, very often, you daren't say what you WANT to say for the fear of someone jumping on you because of what how something COULD be interpreted.
Madness.
Your comments are utter garbage, Drewks. Are you from Wolverhampton or summat?