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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-12-2017
In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness.
The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted ...creatures. And the dark, salty, slimy ...creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And He dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom. And their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide the hickeys on their necks. He also gave them long sideburns and shabby looking beards. God nicknamed them "tars" and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folks would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, He called them "petty" and "commodore" instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.
And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor that only He could have, God made their trousers too short and their berets too large. He also made their pockets oversized, so that they may warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a pick 'n mix shop owner could appreciate. And He gave them emblems and crests... and all sorts of shiny things that glittered...and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away.)
On the 6th day, He thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a postmans uniform but in a fetching shade of sky-blue especially for Air Force flyboys. But He discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as "crab-air"
And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested.
But on the 8th day, at 07:30hrs, God looked down upon the earth and was not happy. No, God was not happy! So He thought about His labours, and in His divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this He called Sapper. And these Sappers, who God had created in His own image, were to be of the air, and of the land, and of the sea. And these He gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green; some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And He gave them dress uniforms... sharp and stylish, handsome things... so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the hell out of everybody! He even gave them jack-knives, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.
And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of His labours, He had forgotten one thing: He did not have a Sapper uniform for himself. He thought about it, and thought about it, and finally God satisfied Himself in knowing that, WELL NOT EVERY ONE CAN BE A SAPPER !!!!!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-12-2017
Just saw a guide dog cock it's leg and piss all over it's owner.
The owner gave the dog a treat.
I said "that's the nicest thing i've ever seen someone do".
The owner said "i need to know which end his head is so i can kick him in the bollocks"!
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Arcane Astral Aeons - 28-12-2017
jehovah`s witnesses all over the place
where are they at christmas?
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-12-2017
I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house. They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them. Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-12-2017
To everyone who recieved a book from me at Christmas.....
They are due back at the library next Friday.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-12-2017
Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!" Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face.
I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
. How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
You know why I am always getting into trouble? Because there’s never any danger music!
Once you’re married the only time your woman screams your name in bed is when you fart on her.
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
A big girl once came up to me and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No. I think you’re the fattest.”
You know, if I slouch in my chair at just the right angle, my fat rolls into a pretty impressive '3-pack'. Christ, I'm half way to sexy town.
Sorry. Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Sportsbabble. Then I remember there are people out there who actually comment on pornhub videos.
A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.
Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable,,, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "I’m a fat slob."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-12-2017
JOKE OF THE YEAR.
Two women were sitting quietly together. minding their own business.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Salopbaggie - 31-12-2017
What does a dingle smell like after sex?
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Mace...
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-01-2018
My New Year resoloution is to stop using spray deodorants.....
Roll on 2018.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 01-01-2018
It`s official........ Today is the hottest day of the year so far.
DD
