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+----- Thread: The Off Topic Thread (/showthread.php?tid=42)
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RE: The Off Topic Thread - BaggieMan - 26-01-2016
Why....
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
and finally....
Why does Tony Pulis buy players and not play them preferring square
pegs in round holes ?
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-01-2016
I love summer in England.......
It`s my favourite day of the year.
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-01-2016
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 27-01-2016
Daffy Duck calls hotel reception and asks for a condom. They ask ' Shall we put it on your bill?'.
To which he replies ' Are you thucking thtupid? I'll thuffocate!'
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Baggie_One - 27-01-2016
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves
RE: The Off Topic Thread - RainbowTurnedEastStand - 27-01-2016
If you like your music and into the likes of The Beatles, Kinks, Roy Orbison, Jeff Lynne, etc then I recommend this album
(PUGWASH- play this intimately(as if among friends), very underrated little pop/rock band.
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 28-01-2016
Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena, a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.
As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available.
Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were and why they were used.
Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this masculine frailty.
"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said, impressed.
"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with an instinctive lifting of her nose.
After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.
Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.
"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me to."
Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then where are they, young woman?"
"Why, they're in the loo, of course."
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-01-2016
What do you get when you eat peanut butter with baked beans.............??
A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass..............
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 29-01-2016
Beefy is painting his lounge, Mrs Beef walks in and can`t believe how well he`s doing, But the sweat is dripping off him.
She says... "Why are you wearing your leather jacket AND a parker!?"
Beefy says..... "HELLOOOOOOO. Read the tin. It says for best results put two coats on!!".
DD
RE: The Off Topic Thread - Dingle-Dingle - 31-01-2016
I love having sex in the kitchen............ Cause when we finish she makes me a sandwich. DD
