[Dingle-Dingle]

Dear Deidre,

I have recently decided to start allowing my facial hair to grow following my new found freedom from the habit of having to shave daily. Unfortunately now my new hair is growing out, despite having brown hair, I am distraught to discover that my beard has a tinge of ginger to it. I am considering my options. These are not limited to shaving, dying the hair, suicide. What should I do?

DD

Dear DD.

I too have a ginger beard, even though I have blonde hair mit Aryan good looks. I think the ginger comes from the Scottish side of the family. The Scottish side of me wants to chuck rubbish bins through shop windows. The German side of me wants me to gas myself. Dierdre

[Maddix]

Surely the German side of you could have a word and order the ginger bits to stop growing

[Dingle-Dingle]

Dear Dierdre.

I don't know if it ever happens to you,
sometimes when I am going to the shops, a xxxx big fat whale with her kids swarming round her, is standing in the middle of the aisle blocking the xxxx road !forcing me to take evasive action , have they no spatial awareness ? I felt like lamping them one, when you tell them to move in a polite way i.e. Excuse me, they look through you as if you don't exist.

ignorant gits DD


Dear DD

Next time, scream 'Get the xxxx out of my way, you fat-arrsed, benefit spongeing baby factory!' I guarantee that you'll certainly 'exist'. If I go to the trouble of saying 'excuse me', then the very least I expect is total, utter compliance. Any complaints, just tell 'em you've got Tourettes Syndrome.

Dierdre.

[Amelia Chaffinch]

I'm a fat-arsed cow.

I'm not a baby factory, though, or benefit-sponging.

[Dingle-Dingle]

Dear Deirdre.

My neighbour did a moonlight last weekend and yesterday I came home to find four gorillas in monkey suits trying to find her to discuss some unpaid bills.

Should I have let them have a pair of her old cacks (for DNA purposes) -
and would I have been legally obliged to give a sample of my own DNA for elimination purposes? DD

Dear DD

First things first .... what are you doing with a pair of your neighbours keks.?

I think we have deeper issues to discuss here you f*cking pantie nicking pervert.

And as for giving them some of yours , dont drag other people into your sordid little world .

So to sum up.

4 plushies turn up at your neighbours house , and you want to know if you should give them some of her stolen underwear , or a pair of your own "soiled panties"

Where the f*ck do you live ? Gommorah?

PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME SICK !!!

Hope this helps you.

Dierdre.

[Maddix]

Best thread on the site Keep it up DD

[Dingle-Dingle]

Dear Deidre

Really need some sound advice on this.....Here goes!

Been best mates with a chap for years, about 10. Went to school together, and grew up together. I joined the army, he kinda went no-where with life.
He met this chick that he fell head over heels for, and I knew straight away she was trouble. She caused him loads trouble so he came to stay with me for a while, and all she did was call and text him 24/7. Next thing we hear news on the grapevine that she was with one of his best mates, so we hacked into her email to see if we could find anything, not one thing! He then decided it was time to go home and sort his life out.
He got back, lost two jobs and decided to get her up the duff, which she terminated. Sad but for the best, no income and a baby aint good.
Anyways ive always kept an eye on that email of hers to make sure she aint playing around, but I know he'd be dead fukced off. Trouble is ive found applications by her to work for 2 escort agencies! What a ho, but should I tell him. Im a true believer in telling the truth, but now ive found dirt on her im thinking its gonna kill him!
Help please

DD




Dear DD.

When it's his birthday tell him you have a suprise for him. Then book her for the night.........stand by and watch the fireworks! Post on utube afterwards obviously

Dierdre.

[Dingle-Dingle]

It has come to my attention , that a lot of people who use this board have "issues". We all have periods in our life when we need a shoulder to cry on , or a kind word to help us through a dark period , and I my friends am going to attempt to be that shoulder.

Just dont expect any sympathy.... you f*cking homo's ...get a grip.

I will of course take the pish mercillesly , and i am trying to get a panel of "experts" together to aid me in my counselling.

So please feel free to send in those problems , obviously the more outrageous and made up the better.

DD Dear Dierdre.

---

Dear Dierdre.

I've got a problem.

You know when you've got the turtle's head and you really, really need to do a dump and you know it's gonna be a biggy? And then you get to the bog and you extrude your turd in the normal manner and, yes, just as you suspected, it was a biggy and then you wipe your arse and pull your pants up. And then you think "aaahhhh, that was good" and you feel all satisfied and fulfilled. And you leave the bog with a jaunty spring in your step and feel ready to face any challenges that the day might throw at you.

Well, my question is, do you get the same feeling if you've just had an arse buggering? I mean, when you think about it, you've got this thing in your rectum which has got to be at least as uncomfortable as a big log, and then when the person doing the buggering has finished his business the thing is removed and the rectum should feel some relief. What's worrying me is, if the after-effects of an anal shafting is as pleasurable as a good shit, am I a closet sponge? Has it happened to you?

The problem is, I can't put this to the test because to do so would make me into a raging, rampant queer. Even if my theory proved to be wrong and I didn't enjoy the experience at all, my anus would have been defiled and once defiled it cannot be undefiled. It's OK for chicks because they can have bum love without transgressing the sexual boundary. How will I cope? Have I caught the gay?

What are your thoughts? DD.    

Dear DD

As I told you in rsponse to your PM , no I will not , and I quote

"F*ck you like a little bitch"

Please stop it , youre frightening me.


Saying that though , you cant whack a good cr*p.

Dierdre.

[Maddix]

Dear Dierdre,

I mentioned this on the other site a while ago but me and the wife always had a bit of a rampant sex life   Anyway, one day after a steamy session I got up and went for a fag like you do. When I came back to bed the wife said "why don't you try one of those electronic cigarettes ?" to which I replied "xxxx off, why don't you try one one of those electronic knobs ?" before turning my back in a huff. Ever since then, when I get in from the pub or work, there's 20 Lambert & Butlers on the kitchen table and the wife has gone to bed early and doesn't want sex with me anymore.

I can't think whats going on, she's usually very moody when she doesn't get any sex but she seems really happy. I know she's not cheating on me as she never goes out now, she's just spending more and more time upstairs on her own.

I've also noticed that when we are out shopping we are buying a lot of duracells even though we only have one clock and two remotes in the house.

Can you help ?
Maddix

[spireitematt]

Dear Dierdre,

I mentioned this on the other site a while ago but me and the wife always had a bit of a rampant sex life   Anyway, one day after a steamy session I got up and went for a fag like you do. When I came back to bed the wife said "why don't you try one of those electronic cigarettes ?" to which I replied "xxxx off, why don't you try one one of those electronic knobs ?" before turning my back in a huff. Ever since then, when I get in from the pub or work, there's 20 Lambert & Butlers on the kitchen table and the wife has gone to bed early and doesn't want sex with me anymore.

I can't think whats going on, she's usually very moody when she doesn't get any sex but she seems really happy. I know she's not cheating on me as she never goes out now, she's just spending more and more time upstairs on her own.

I've also noticed that when we are out shopping we are buying a lot of duracells even though we only have one clock and two remotes in the house.

Can you help ?
Maddix

You been reading sickipedia Maddix? because that joke is on there