14-06-2019, 12:53
Damn Autocorrect: The other day I sent my best mate a text saying “Hey Dave, do you fancy a wank down by the Marina?” I mean, how embarrassing...I actually meant 'Canal…
Old people, don't sweat it. The tv sucks anyway. Entertain yourself like you did in your youth and shoot some xxxx's.
Religion is like a penis, it's fine to have one and be proud of it, but when you take it out and wave it in my face, that's when we have a xxxx problem.
I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently fucked up exhausted pigeon.
Don’t tell me to act my age, I don’t know how to act my age, I have never been this xxxx old before!
Just bought a box of nails and had to throw half on them away as the heads was on the wrong end? Then I thought I could have gone round other side of fence and knocked them in from there FFS!
With age comes new talents, I can forget what I’m doing whilst I am actually doing it!
When you sit on the toilet you connect your arsehole to a city wide network of other connected arseholes.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still xxxx telling me about herself....
WOMEN'S WORLD CUP COMMENTATORS: Make sure you think before you speak if one of the players gets a nasty gash at the top of her legs.
The Cornish are the most pasty looking people in the UK
Confuse your pet cat and dog by rubbing cat nip on your dog's balls.
CONFUSE camels by spitting at them first.
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice
If you see me jogging, Please kill whatever the xxxx is chasing me.
Friend: we don't use swear words around our kids, Me: yeah, me neither, My kid: bollocks you lying xxxx!
Prenatal check up, Doc: hoping for a boy or a girl? Me: Well, to be honest I was hoping to pull out, but here we xxxx are.
Ironicaly, iliterate is the most reguarly mispelt word
When a giraffe has a cup of tea, by the time it gets to the bottom of his throat it’s tepid. Most cafes will not allow them in because of the constant complaining.
In ancient Greece the penalty for homosexuality was bugger all
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs its time to start eating cakes again
Reduce your facebook birthday messages by 80% by simply asking for charity donations instead.
RAF electricians. Avoid getting an erection during rectal examinations by waiting outside while the vet examines your dog or squeezes his glands.
Experience the thrill of winning an argument with your wife by sitting in a library for three days.
DD
Old people, don't sweat it. The tv sucks anyway. Entertain yourself like you did in your youth and shoot some xxxx's.
Religion is like a penis, it's fine to have one and be proud of it, but when you take it out and wave it in my face, that's when we have a xxxx problem.
I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently fucked up exhausted pigeon.
Don’t tell me to act my age, I don’t know how to act my age, I have never been this xxxx old before!
Just bought a box of nails and had to throw half on them away as the heads was on the wrong end? Then I thought I could have gone round other side of fence and knocked them in from there FFS!
With age comes new talents, I can forget what I’m doing whilst I am actually doing it!
When you sit on the toilet you connect your arsehole to a city wide network of other connected arseholes.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still xxxx telling me about herself....
WOMEN'S WORLD CUP COMMENTATORS: Make sure you think before you speak if one of the players gets a nasty gash at the top of her legs.
The Cornish are the most pasty looking people in the UK
Confuse your pet cat and dog by rubbing cat nip on your dog's balls.
CONFUSE camels by spitting at them first.
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice
If you see me jogging, Please kill whatever the xxxx is chasing me.
Friend: we don't use swear words around our kids, Me: yeah, me neither, My kid: bollocks you lying xxxx!
Prenatal check up, Doc: hoping for a boy or a girl? Me: Well, to be honest I was hoping to pull out, but here we xxxx are.
Ironicaly, iliterate is the most reguarly mispelt word
When a giraffe has a cup of tea, by the time it gets to the bottom of his throat it’s tepid. Most cafes will not allow them in because of the constant complaining.
In ancient Greece the penalty for homosexuality was bugger all
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs its time to start eating cakes again
Reduce your facebook birthday messages by 80% by simply asking for charity donations instead.
RAF electricians. Avoid getting an erection during rectal examinations by waiting outside while the vet examines your dog or squeezes his glands.
Experience the thrill of winning an argument with your wife by sitting in a library for three days.
DD
Ubique.