24-05-2019, 12:34
Apologies for the break, I was away laying on a beach getting bronzed and pissed. I DON'T know why Doctor Jekyll spent all that time in a lab concocting a drink that would turn him into a right nasty bastard who can't remember a xxxx thing the following morning. A couple of bottles of White Lightning would have cost him about a fiver and would have had exactly the same result.
Ladbrokes are offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving a cremation. Apparently his family wanted a discount on the cremation as he was half burnt already....
I went for my first prostate examination today. The doc gave me the thumbs up.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Because I don't know, and I don't really care either.
JEREMY Kyle fans, fill in those mid morning, mid afternoon and mid evening voids by respectively cheating on your partner, thieving from your grandmas purse and banging your sister. Normality will be resumed henceforth.
Want to know if you live in a rough area? Check to see if your local Aldi sell Father's Day cards,.. in packs of 5
When looking for hemorrhoid cream at the chemists always look on the bottom shelf first.
After many years scientists have discovered the cure for migraines. Stay single
Avoid having to pay for costly Botox by simply walking around like your sucking a ghostly penis.
Top tip, if you see a toilet in your dreams, don’t for fucks sake use it!
PERMA-SCOWL teenage girls: ensure everyone knows exactly what Tamesha caught Kevan doing with Shaniqua & Shanice simply by having a conversation with Shanaynay on your mobile phone with the xxxx loudspeaker on, innit!
Middle aged? Like wearing Spandex and nappies? Society finding it unacceptable? Simply buy a push bike to indulge your kink.
Weight loss, ppffftt, I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Watch a fire rescue backwards. See the joy on their faces as they get thrown back in to the building.
I WONDER why bluebottles are called bluebottles? They don't look anything like a bottle, although I'll grant you they do have a blue arse. From now on I'm calling them blue arses.
My G/F is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. In my defence, I didn't even xxxx know she sold jewellery!
SAVE money on expensive oysters by sipping seawater from an ashtray.
Travel British Rail first class, same train, same delays but you do get a higher quality of turd blocking the shitter!
Just heard on the news that the #RoyalBaby is 'doing well'. 'Well'? He's only been on the planet five bloody minutes; he's already a prince, absolutely loaded and will never have to work a day in his life. I'd say he's xxxx smashing it.
Had a bit of back door fun with the missus last night. She locked me out so I had to kick it in.
Maitre d’ at a restaurant: would you like a table? Me: no, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please you pretentious wank puffin
Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either."
Got home from the pub at 3 o'clock this morning. The missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said, "What the xxxx are you baking at this stupid hour?'
Summers nearly here, can’t wait to book the one day off.
I was sexually active at 12. It’s now 13.15 and my arm is killing me
. According to HR, the following comment: ” Listen Arse wipe, I don't come down to the ‘Being A Stupid Piece Of Shit Factory’ and tell you how to do your job” is an unacceptable way to finish a customer phone call.
DD
Ladbrokes are offering 4/1 on Niki Lauda surviving a cremation. Apparently his family wanted a discount on the cremation as he was half burnt already....
I went for my first prostate examination today. The doc gave me the thumbs up.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Because I don't know, and I don't really care either.
JEREMY Kyle fans, fill in those mid morning, mid afternoon and mid evening voids by respectively cheating on your partner, thieving from your grandmas purse and banging your sister. Normality will be resumed henceforth.
Want to know if you live in a rough area? Check to see if your local Aldi sell Father's Day cards,.. in packs of 5
When looking for hemorrhoid cream at the chemists always look on the bottom shelf first.
After many years scientists have discovered the cure for migraines. Stay single
Avoid having to pay for costly Botox by simply walking around like your sucking a ghostly penis.
Top tip, if you see a toilet in your dreams, don’t for fucks sake use it!
PERMA-SCOWL teenage girls: ensure everyone knows exactly what Tamesha caught Kevan doing with Shaniqua & Shanice simply by having a conversation with Shanaynay on your mobile phone with the xxxx loudspeaker on, innit!
Middle aged? Like wearing Spandex and nappies? Society finding it unacceptable? Simply buy a push bike to indulge your kink.
Weight loss, ppffftt, I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Watch a fire rescue backwards. See the joy on their faces as they get thrown back in to the building.
I WONDER why bluebottles are called bluebottles? They don't look anything like a bottle, although I'll grant you they do have a blue arse. From now on I'm calling them blue arses.
My G/F is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. In my defence, I didn't even xxxx know she sold jewellery!
SAVE money on expensive oysters by sipping seawater from an ashtray.
Travel British Rail first class, same train, same delays but you do get a higher quality of turd blocking the shitter!
Just heard on the news that the #RoyalBaby is 'doing well'. 'Well'? He's only been on the planet five bloody minutes; he's already a prince, absolutely loaded and will never have to work a day in his life. I'd say he's xxxx smashing it.
Had a bit of back door fun with the missus last night. She locked me out so I had to kick it in.
Maitre d’ at a restaurant: would you like a table? Me: no, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please you pretentious wank puffin
Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the Police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying, "And that's not the drink talking either."
Got home from the pub at 3 o'clock this morning. The missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said, "What the xxxx are you baking at this stupid hour?'
Summers nearly here, can’t wait to book the one day off.
I was sexually active at 12. It’s now 13.15 and my arm is killing me
. According to HR, the following comment: ” Listen Arse wipe, I don't come down to the ‘Being A Stupid Piece Of Shit Factory’ and tell you how to do your job” is an unacceptable way to finish a customer phone call.
DD
Ubique.