[Dingle-Dingle]

Fool people into thinking you work on the Boots make up counter by simply painting yourself orange, covering yourself in perfume and applying makeup with a garden spade.

Suspected Islamist terrorist runs over three cyclists in London. Got mixed emotions about who I should be siding with there.

If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants

Thrifty shoppers. Save cash when buying apples in the supermarket by removing the stalks to reduce the weight. You'll be smiling all the way to the checkout on your 176th visit as you effectively claim your free apple.

Whatever you do, don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my G/.F's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar.

Welcome to the first ever Exaggerators Club meeting. All 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 of you.

Frighten the xxxx out of the new missus by phoning her and saying 'if the police contact you, we've never met and you don't know me' before abruptly hanging up.

Always remember to bring back a bottle of tap water from your holiday in Turkey for when your mother in law comes around for dinner.

New Birthday cards available in Primark, "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

Meatloaf was inspired to write the line "You were licking your lips and your lipstick was shining, I was dying just to ask for a taste" after watching his dog washing himself.

Ann Alogy, I don't know what I metaphor.

Apparently all the pidgeons fly upside down in Wolverhampton, theres nothing worth shitting on.

What ever you do, always give 100%, unless of course you are donating blood!

I text’d my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. xxxx me, now Its awkward, twat holds my hand during meetings.

DD