[Dingle-Dingle]

My daughter asked me if I'd like to wind the baby, 'F*ck me' I thought, 'the cruel bitch.'
I couldn't do it, so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

It would save me a lot of time if my local Tesco just had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."

It was lucky I went to see a fortune teller today.......she warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.

A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%......It fits right over her mouth.

Weirdly, I seem to play loud music at the same time my neighbour bangs stuff against the wall.
Spooky.

MUMS.
Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
They won't know what to believe...

One for Beefy...
What's worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?
Having tits and no girlfriend...

I was driving my car yesterday, when a banging/grinding noise suddenly came from the engine.
Luckily it stopped when I turned the radio up.

Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they, "Need a life"?

Please, no more jokes about Aretha Franklin being dead.
All I'm asking... is a little respect.

I never think twice about helping others in need.
In fact, I never think once about it.

DD