15-06-2018, 16:07
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name!!
Have a hoot by slipping a couple of gentlemen’s magazines into the doctor’s waiting room.
These Big Issue sellers would do a lot better if they smartened themselves up a bit. Half of them look like xxxx tramps!
Convince people you are Tyson Fury by dancing with a dwarf for 12 minutes.
NEVER throw the contents of a circus clown's bucket on a fire. The silly bastards fill them with confetti.
Convince your missus you have done something wrong by randomly giving her some flowers, sending her paranoia into overdrive!
Travelling in Germany and want to blend in with the locals? When walking, take long strides and keep your legs straight. No-one will know you're English.
I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.
The RSPCA just completed a study as to why pheasents run under cars..turns out they are the married ones...
I do all my own stunts, never intentionally mind.
xxxx hate people who take drugs. Customs & Excise, for example.
Don't get your Dad a DNA test kit for Father's Day, as the telly ad suggests. I did, and now I just call him Frank.
If you get caught at a supermarket self checkout substituting avocado for potatos, in your defence make it clear that the avocados are self identifying as potatos and to dispute that makes anyone who disagrees transvegphobic and forcing an avocado to be priced as an avocado is probably a hate crime.
Sports coaches. Refrain from saying "quitters never win" as you may be unintentionally encouraging smokers to continue their unhealthy habit.
The mechanic in my local garage is a huge fat Egyptian bloke. I call him the two ton car man
It is common lore that the Eskimos have over 100 words for snow, this isn't really that impressive as, having used online dating, I know for a fact that women have over 1000 different words for xxxx fat
12 under 6s arrested at a birthday party for breach of the new GDP laws, They exposed the birthday girls name through song, without her permission
There's a lot to be said for being mute
Just seen a bloke let his dog run out into the road and get killed by a lorry, the cruel callous twat didn’t flinch, just stood there trying to look all cool, in his sunglasses!
My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late!
David Attenborough said mankind is the most destructive Primate on the planet. That daft xxxx has obviously never been through Longleat Safari park in a Seat Alhambra!
My Auntie has a son called Steve,who suffers with Tourette's,
I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday.
Steve and I were sitting waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, "open the door, you xxxx."
I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.
He said again, "open the xxxx door, you stupid xxxx."
I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond, so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.
He started getting agitated and piped up, " for xxxx sake you useless xxxx, open the xxxx door."
At which point, to my relief, my aunty came into the room and said, "don't worry, dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock-knock joke."
The G/F's just told me that if I'm a good boy and eat all my dinner, she's going to take me upstairs and xxxx my brains out.
It's amazing how quickly you can lose your appetite.
I cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people.
Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear.
My girlfriend thought she might be pregnant so I bought her one of those home pregnancy tests. I took the stick out of the box, told her to go into the toilet and do her business on it.
5 minutes later I shouted "Has it turned blue yet?"
She said, "No, it's still brown!"
DD
Have a hoot by slipping a couple of gentlemen’s magazines into the doctor’s waiting room.
These Big Issue sellers would do a lot better if they smartened themselves up a bit. Half of them look like xxxx tramps!
Convince people you are Tyson Fury by dancing with a dwarf for 12 minutes.
NEVER throw the contents of a circus clown's bucket on a fire. The silly bastards fill them with confetti.
Convince your missus you have done something wrong by randomly giving her some flowers, sending her paranoia into overdrive!
Travelling in Germany and want to blend in with the locals? When walking, take long strides and keep your legs straight. No-one will know you're English.
I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.
The RSPCA just completed a study as to why pheasents run under cars..turns out they are the married ones...
I do all my own stunts, never intentionally mind.
xxxx hate people who take drugs. Customs & Excise, for example.
Don't get your Dad a DNA test kit for Father's Day, as the telly ad suggests. I did, and now I just call him Frank.
If you get caught at a supermarket self checkout substituting avocado for potatos, in your defence make it clear that the avocados are self identifying as potatos and to dispute that makes anyone who disagrees transvegphobic and forcing an avocado to be priced as an avocado is probably a hate crime.
Sports coaches. Refrain from saying "quitters never win" as you may be unintentionally encouraging smokers to continue their unhealthy habit.
The mechanic in my local garage is a huge fat Egyptian bloke. I call him the two ton car man
It is common lore that the Eskimos have over 100 words for snow, this isn't really that impressive as, having used online dating, I know for a fact that women have over 1000 different words for xxxx fat
12 under 6s arrested at a birthday party for breach of the new GDP laws, They exposed the birthday girls name through song, without her permission
There's a lot to be said for being mute
Just seen a bloke let his dog run out into the road and get killed by a lorry, the cruel callous twat didn’t flinch, just stood there trying to look all cool, in his sunglasses!
My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late!
David Attenborough said mankind is the most destructive Primate on the planet. That daft xxxx has obviously never been through Longleat Safari park in a Seat Alhambra!
My Auntie has a son called Steve,who suffers with Tourette's,
I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday.
Steve and I were sitting waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said, "open the door, you xxxx."
I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.
He said again, "open the xxxx door, you stupid xxxx."
I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond, so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.
He started getting agitated and piped up, " for xxxx sake you useless xxxx, open the xxxx door."
At which point, to my relief, my aunty came into the room and said, "don't worry, dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock-knock joke."
The G/F's just told me that if I'm a good boy and eat all my dinner, she's going to take me upstairs and xxxx my brains out.
It's amazing how quickly you can lose your appetite.
I cannot believe that in this day and age that wearing underwear in the garden would offend so many people.
Admittedly it wasn't my garden... or my underwear.
My girlfriend thought she might be pregnant so I bought her one of those home pregnancy tests. I took the stick out of the box, told her to go into the toilet and do her business on it.
5 minutes later I shouted "Has it turned blue yet?"
She said, "No, it's still brown!"
DD
Ubique.