01-06-2018, 12:51
The key to happiness is self-delusion. In reality we are sexually transmitted organic pain collectors racing toward inevitable oblivion with 100% mortality rate, dragging a skeleton around inside us the whole time for the sheer hell of it,
Thinking of becoming Vegan? Think again, I had to get up at 5am this morning to milk all the bloody almonds.
I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds. It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband “That’s the dirty bastard, over there!”
We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said, “Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front.”
What’s brown and sticky? … A stick. … What’s red and brown? … It’s that bloody stick again!
11.34: Sherlock Holmes arrived at the crime scene 11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle 11.34: Found murder weapon in the drain 11.34: Realised xxxx watch was broken.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
Experience prison cuisine without actually having to break the law by having a Rustlers Burger for tea.
Pretend you're on a Cruise by walking around the house wearing one platform shoe and sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs
WANT TO test the effectiveness of a spray air freshener? simply spray it into a tupperware container lined with fresh dogshit, then seal the lid, after one hour remove the lid, if your nostrils aren't greeted with the odor of fecal matter, the air freshener works.
Costa Coffee, may I suggest that one o'clock on a Friday lunchtime is not the best time to get your huge steam producing cappuccino, mocha latte expresso xxxx froth machine serviced especially when I am xxxx gagging for a caffeine revival shot.. the cup of tea alternative did not do the trick!!!
Thought of the day........be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did xxxx all.
Eagles sometimes fly for as long as 48 hours without landing. This makes their wings ache. Hence the expression “Sore, like an eagle”.
If you put your teeth in Coca Cola overnight, you'll drown.
If the police stop you in Wales, assure them you're from Llanfair¬pwllgwyngyll¬gogery¬chwyrn¬drobwll¬llan¬tysilio-gogo¬goch. You'll find you're free to go...
Dr Barnardos do not accept unwanted children over the counter in any of their charity shops.
Most hermaphrodites are born in Middlesex and same sex marriages originated from the Hebrides.
Young men. Next time you have your hair cut, take it home with you in a box. You'll miss it one day.
Scared of loneliness and massive lack of sex ? Then here's a tip, Don’t get married.
I've just had the result of my IQ test. Negative.
So apparently rape crisis centres don't provide alibis.
People of Wolverhampton... If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.
DD
Thinking of becoming Vegan? Think again, I had to get up at 5am this morning to milk all the bloody almonds.
I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds. It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband “That’s the dirty bastard, over there!”
We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said, “Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front.”
What’s brown and sticky? … A stick. … What’s red and brown? … It’s that bloody stick again!
11.34: Sherlock Holmes arrived at the crime scene 11.34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle 11.34: Found murder weapon in the drain 11.34: Realised xxxx watch was broken.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
Experience prison cuisine without actually having to break the law by having a Rustlers Burger for tea.
Pretend you're on a Cruise by walking around the house wearing one platform shoe and sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs
WANT TO test the effectiveness of a spray air freshener? simply spray it into a tupperware container lined with fresh dogshit, then seal the lid, after one hour remove the lid, if your nostrils aren't greeted with the odor of fecal matter, the air freshener works.
Costa Coffee, may I suggest that one o'clock on a Friday lunchtime is not the best time to get your huge steam producing cappuccino, mocha latte expresso xxxx froth machine serviced especially when I am xxxx gagging for a caffeine revival shot.. the cup of tea alternative did not do the trick!!!
Thought of the day........be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My nan had one. She slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did xxxx all.
Eagles sometimes fly for as long as 48 hours without landing. This makes their wings ache. Hence the expression “Sore, like an eagle”.
If you put your teeth in Coca Cola overnight, you'll drown.
If the police stop you in Wales, assure them you're from Llanfair¬pwllgwyngyll¬gogery¬chwyrn¬drobwll¬llan¬tysilio-gogo¬goch. You'll find you're free to go...
Dr Barnardos do not accept unwanted children over the counter in any of their charity shops.
Most hermaphrodites are born in Middlesex and same sex marriages originated from the Hebrides.
Young men. Next time you have your hair cut, take it home with you in a box. You'll miss it one day.
Scared of loneliness and massive lack of sex ? Then here's a tip, Don’t get married.
I've just had the result of my IQ test. Negative.
So apparently rape crisis centres don't provide alibis.
People of Wolverhampton... If you leave a child in your car during this hot weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a fag.
DD
Ubique.