[Dingle-Dingle]

Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot-flashes, bikini shaving rashes, water retention, indecision when clothes shopping, mood swings, sore boobs, hair that wont do what its asked to, waterproof mascara that isn’t, bras that don’t fit once a month, chocolate addiction, handbag that hides anything dropped into it, no idea of the off side rule and an ability after 2 glasses of wine to screech like a banshee when dessert arrives. Men have to deal with women. Sigh.

Sir Paul McCartney tops Sunday Times musicians Rich List with £730 million fortune. I bet Heather Mills is kicking herself! - oh, wait…….

I’m not saying my G/F has a loud fart.. But she’ll never be hit by a ship.

I care about how women feel. The firmer the better and tied up and naked.

My G/F’s a bit like Pinocchio. Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

I was chatting to a fit bird in the gym earlier when the question came up, “What bra size are you?” Cheeky bitch!

I was in court today and the judge asked, “How do you plead?” I replied, “Usually on my knees when I want sex with my G/F. But I’m here for parking on double yellow lines so fine me and xxxx me off.”

Knock! Knock!

Who’s There?

A midget

A midget who…

A midget who cant reach the xxxx doorbell.

I finally found out why blondes wear those big, jangly hoops for earrings. Stirrups !!

Don’t ever get half-drunk, its a waste of money.

I’ll leave £1,000 in my will to the person that comes to my funeral dressed in the Scream outfit and doesn’t say a word.

When filmstars go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in their situation. xxxx passed out in Finding Nemo yesterday evening….

I’m so glad you don’t give a shit, because that would be a disgusting gift.

Apple has just introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

Why don’t gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

A push-up bra is like a bag of crisps. You open it up and the xxxx is half empty.

In my day doing a duck face involved two Pringles.

When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty twisted perverted bastard”.

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of crisps getting stuck in a vending machine, watch them push a pull door, shop in a busy supermarket with a hangover, or you jump them from behind a dark door way screaming “Surprise”!

Unfortunately my moral compass only runs on solar power

Battery chickens really play up if you ram some AAA's up ‘em.

PREPARE your kids for Social Media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing several shitty comments underneath it.

Well, that was an awkward birthday dinner! Turns out that MILF doesn’t stand for Mum I’ll Love Forever......

They say women have better memories than men. Bollocks — every time I chat up a fit bird, she can’t remember her real phone number.

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

As my G/F lay dead on the floor and the weapon lay next to her the detective said, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I was cleaning it and it went off”, I replied.
“It’s a xxxx bow and arrow”, He shouted.

I was washing my car just now when my annoying neighbour shouted over to me, “You can clean mine next if you want, Ha ha?” xxxx hell, it’s bad enough I have to xxxx his wife for him.

DD