[Dingle-Dingle]

.If a feminist tells you that women can do anything a man can then agree with her. After waiting just a moment make the same statement and see if she can agree like you did.

I was best man at my mate Daves wedding. When I did my speech I said "I hope Dave and Tracey have a long and happy life together and enjoy their fortnight in North Wales".
There was a bit of heckling going on and some xxxx shouted "they’re going to Tenerife you knob".
I looked at my notes and said "sorry about that, I thought Dave said he was going to Bangor for two weeks"

WASPS make a low cost readily available alternative for beekeepers who can't be arsed to collect honey but want to keep nasty stinging yellow bastard arsed flying insects.

Recreate the thrill of the Pamplona Bull run by pushing the "fucked wheel" trolley to the reduced section in Asda

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Shite surgeon

Vapers, take up smoking. You will cease looking like a twat and will no longer have a popcorny/piss smelling cloud following you like you’re a coal fired power station cooling tower.

NO means NO. Unless she's dyslexic, then it's ON!!!

We had a team building competition at work. I won! Result, YAY ME!

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else

Whilst having sex with my gf last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, “It’s like xxxx an inflatable sex doll.” She looked at me completely shocked. “You’re not helping yourself here.” I said.

Can't afford to leap on the trending Prosecco bandwagon ? Simply add vinegar to a glass of cheap bleach.

I couldn’t xxxx believe it when my grandmother died on her 100th birthday. We were only halfway through the bumps ffs.

A stranger at Primark just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live

Create your own exotic animal skin rug by driving a steam roller around a safari park.

A set of 3 darts for sale. Contact Mrs Bristow. Too soon? Oche, sorry.

A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,"No, no, no, you"re gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you"d hold your husband"s penis."
The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft
."That was great," the pro says with a straight face."Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you"re supposed to!"

DD