09-02-2018, 13:23
TEACH your child about the importance of punctuation by making them some "No, More Tears" shampoo out of lemon juice, vinegar and bleach.
Ensure your wedding day is an entertaining one by inviting all your exes to attend.
BOSS: Did you get the memo about not vaping in the men’s toilets anymore?
ME: [vaping in the ladies toilets] I did.
5 days to Valentines... ...women have suddenly become more polite than Oxfam customer care..
Kids of today, when your parents say why they don't write songs with proper words nowadays? Politely ask them what the xxxx is a Sussudio, a lamadamadingdong, do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do or a tutti frutti a wap bop a looba a woo bam boom for fucks sake.
To join The National Dyslexic Association you have to take a DNA test.
Apparently you can’t use the word Beefstew as a password……. It’s not stroganoff!
Things I have learnt today, lasers can go on and off in Femtoseconds, bit like a female if you forget a birthday or anniversary.
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
So their heads aren’t floating in mid-air.
When you run out of post-it notes, how the hell do you remind yourself to buy some more?
I have just invented a new word: Plagiarism
Arsenal and Scunthorpe are two of only three football clubs in the UK to have swear words in their names. The other being Man xxxx wank United.
My Doctor told my mate if he didn’t make some changes to his lifestyle he probably wouldn’t see his next birthday. Meh, he said, I'm a 41-year-old Scotsman, I've had a bloody good run.
First rule of business, know your customers. Greggs have the widest entrance of any shops.
Just been diagnosed with agoraphobia………………….get in!
Thinking of becoming a parent? To see if you've got what it takes, keep a young hungry hyper active ADHD goat in your house for 24hrs first.
Mother-in-law came round this morning, last time I’m buying chloroform from Poundland!
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
Saw a mind reader last night.....
Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the King of Hearts?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Is it the Ace of diamonds?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"
Me: "Happy Birthday"
DD
Ensure your wedding day is an entertaining one by inviting all your exes to attend.
BOSS: Did you get the memo about not vaping in the men’s toilets anymore?
ME: [vaping in the ladies toilets] I did.
5 days to Valentines... ...women have suddenly become more polite than Oxfam customer care..
Kids of today, when your parents say why they don't write songs with proper words nowadays? Politely ask them what the xxxx is a Sussudio, a lamadamadingdong, do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do or a tutti frutti a wap bop a looba a woo bam boom for fucks sake.
To join The National Dyslexic Association you have to take a DNA test.
Apparently you can’t use the word Beefstew as a password……. It’s not stroganoff!
Things I have learnt today, lasers can go on and off in Femtoseconds, bit like a female if you forget a birthday or anniversary.
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
So their heads aren’t floating in mid-air.
When you run out of post-it notes, how the hell do you remind yourself to buy some more?
I have just invented a new word: Plagiarism
Arsenal and Scunthorpe are two of only three football clubs in the UK to have swear words in their names. The other being Man xxxx wank United.
My Doctor told my mate if he didn’t make some changes to his lifestyle he probably wouldn’t see his next birthday. Meh, he said, I'm a 41-year-old Scotsman, I've had a bloody good run.
First rule of business, know your customers. Greggs have the widest entrance of any shops.
Just been diagnosed with agoraphobia………………….get in!
Thinking of becoming a parent? To see if you've got what it takes, keep a young hungry hyper active ADHD goat in your house for 24hrs first.
Mother-in-law came round this morning, last time I’m buying chloroform from Poundland!
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
Saw a mind reader last night.....
Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the King of Hearts?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Is it the Ace of diamonds?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"
Me: "Happy Birthday"
DD
Ubique.