[Dingle-Dingle]

In a couple of years’ time, most people will have 20/20 vision.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania. Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.

I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's extraordinarily useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable security bastard screws.

PREVENT birds shitting on the roof of your car by not calling them a slut on your first date.

Hip Hop Stars, do you like meat and veg wrapped in pastry? Move to Cornwall and live in a Ginsters Paradise..

Did you know that minus four degrees looks like a bloke taking a dump? -4°

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

I’m a bit worried! I attended a funeral today and caught the bloody wreath!

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water.. Doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues..

When visiting German bars Einstein only ever ordered one beer.

DD