[Dingle-Dingle]

Bakers, when making baguettes this Christmas, add some dill to your dough for an extra naughty treat

Alan Carr- trick people into thinking that you're a boxer by saying, "I've been punched in the ring that many times, I've got a cauliflower rear."

Don’t worry about old age, it doesn’t last that long!

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?” Said my late wife.

You know you’re fat when you drop something and think to yourself “Do I really need it?”

What happens when a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?

David Bowie once bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas. Not just any old pom pom though....It was a proper pom pom... That song will be with you for the rest of the day now.

Test your G/F's sense of humour this christmas ...buy her a xxxx broomstick.

Due to an unfortunate typo I’ve just received a pair of wanking boots from Amazon. Fair play, good fun tho!

The police phoned me to tell me my Mother in Law was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she xxxx complaining about now?" I said.

Reading is just staring at dead wood and hallucinating

Just opened door twentytwelvety on my Dianne Abbott advent calendar

Went to a Christmas panto for people suffering from paranoid schizophrenia last night. It was going well till someone shouted, He's behind you.....

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

DD