[Devongone]

When "expert" juries across 39 countries and members of the public across Europe, with enough interest to express an opinion, combine to give you nil, null, zero points you have surely to begin taking notice, dontcha?

The Eurovision Song Contest is a bit of fun. It's crap songs in an over-blown setting, performed with camp enthusiasm in ridiculous clothing buried deep enough in visual gimmicks to make the audience forget that this is the musical equivalent of a selling handicap in horse racing, and that they've paid through the nose to be there.

The winners by ze country mile were an etiolated band of Northern Italian boys, excited by their own sexuality, playing a faux-rock number with lyrics growled by their lead singer, who clearly saw himself as a stallion, even though he looked like a refugee from The Sweet. For this they received 524 votes, whilst our chubby contender, dressed by a homelessness charity in a discarded fur coat, strode aimlessly about accumulating no votes. And it wasn't a measure of how much the rest of Europe hates us, it was an accurate reflection of the gulf. Ours was the worst "song for Europe" since Father Ted's "My Lovely Pony". It had next to nothing to say and still didn't manage to say it. It was performed by a singer who would be classified as a bad singer on I Can See Your Voice. Charm, wit, presentation, appearance, whatever scale you care to mention, he registered zero and then when the votes were cast he had the effrontery to own his abysmal failure and take cheers, as if somehow a verdict stretching all the way to Australia was wrong.

Dear old Graham Norton would have been wise to revert to his own Father Ted character and tell the entire unpalatable truth until the fat boy finally gave up singing forever. We have a massive music industry in the UK the size of the whole of the rest of Europe's put together. We literally have millions of people who can carry a note, lots of them look really good, are really good fun, love to perform and loads of them have real actual talent ..... yet, not for the first time, we choose someone who lacks all these qualities. The Beeb might as well have sent Martin Bashir.

"I feel so sorry for James," bleated Graham Norton as we prepared to re-enter national mourning. I don't feel sorry for James, the effin' Giant Peach couldn't have done a worse job.

Couldn't we hand it over to ITV so at least the song and singer chosen might be commercially successful? At least then the rest of Europe could avoid voting for us, because they hate us. If we came last because we sent something good, then at least Eurovision could measure itself. Albania FFS sent a good singer. It didn't do them much good, but at least they had a good singer. There has to be a point at which being sh1t at being sh1t becomes a failure, not a success, and we passed that back down the euro road years ago.

James, you were flatter than Marc Almond on Tainted Love, your movement was worse than Judy Murray's on Strictly, your song took forgettable to a previously unattainable level at which it was gone before it ended, you looked middle-aged ........ though you might have a future in Last of the Summer Wine, were not most of the others involved already dead, and of course everyone loved you back stage; they all knew they weren't going to come last.

When you are known as a song writer and you've lived long enough to put on weight, and nobody has asked you to perform before, THERE'S A REASON! Okay?

[theo_luddite]

Thanks to the joys of working from home, I'm of the understanding that Ken Bruce has played what-ever-song-by-the-what-ever-UK-singer we apparently entered in this fiasco a few times in the last few weeks. I've not seen or even heard our song or the winner let alone the show by the way that I'm aware of.

Sly News and BBC News feeds, saying the same shit every 10-15 minutes are far more interesting, but even they were compelled to erm, make a comment or two, especially as the BBC apparently pays for about 20% of the costs of this crap.

I was actually watching the golf on t'other side o't'pond, which was brilliant entertainment thanks to an old Yankee fart that can't sing but is really good at hitting little white balls around a big green field next to the sea. As a prelude to watching early morning TV behind my eyelids I flicked over to BBC News. Unfortunately, they were disposed to show highlights and the result of this charade.

The BBC 2 programme of many years gone by hosted by Whispering Bob Harris and later Annie (a) Nightingale (sang in Berkeley Square) called the Old Grey Whistle Test didn't just have decent bands (from all over the world) playing decent songs and mostly live, but the title of the show also had a meaning - look it up you if you don't know what it means.

Wtf this charade has to do with music by comparison beggars belief.

The English lad apparently is from Settle in t'Yorkshire Dales. Now given I'm from God's own big Green Acres, I'd still bet there's many a Yorkshire farmer's wife between Settle and Horton-in-Ribblesdale that can carry a tune further in a full milk bucket than than this lad can. If his song, which I wouldn't recognise if it hit me smack in the face or between the ears on the A65, ever gets near to anyone whistling it, I'll be gobsmacked - and that goes for the clips of the supposedly "rock and roll" Aye'ties too.

So if first and last place are so instantly forgettable, wtf is the rest of the show about? Is it all so the outlandishly gay (and the rest, boys and girls mainly in the audience, some on the stage, others on commentary) of Europe get to have an expensive night out on the back of the big Euro tellybox channels largess? Not that there's anything wrong with that, apparently.

If all the bands got up and sang Abba's Waterloo, which is probably the last song I remember from this load of annual crap, they still wouldn't all get the same votes. We'd still get null points though, mostly because we'd have the dullest set and out of tune singer playing it as a dirge on the piano of them all. Just remember, it's not ever going to be political, just ask Terry Wobegone, oh, apparently you can't. After all, the Square Heads only got 3 points this time, I mean? When did we last lose 3-0 to the Germans?

Might as well have Bodgit singing "The Red Flag" while his missus gives him a hand (job) on stage in his baggie trousers.

No, I wouldn't pay to watch that either.

She's far too small to wear Bodgit's baggie trousers.

[0762]

Yep! The main questions to ask were, "Who picked this singer who can't even hit the high notes and dresses like a tramp"? And, "Who opted for this crap song that would impress nobody"? As Theo says, "The Brit music industry is far better than that poor offering on Saturday night"!! The word, "embarrassing" definitely comes to mind and that word plus the word "appalling" applies to the other Brit presenter, Amanda Holden, with her stupid remark re the Dutch and French languages that she used to say "good evening"!! Leave it at that instead of stupidly remarking about her inability to recognise the languages she was uttering while, in contrast, a 10 year old Greek boy confidently delivered his country's result in fluent English!! Talk about an unimpressive Brit stereotype FFS!! The whole scene, from a Brit viewpoint, was a sham.

[Amelia Chaffinch]

If we're going to stay in it and I think we will, we need to take the pish out of it and enter a comedian which has been suggested. I loved Eurovision and watched it religiously from childhood until a few years ago, having got increasingly annoyed with the political voting. Let's do what we do best and show we don't give a flying ****. Come on dressed as the personality challenged presenters and sing a comedic song.

[Devongone]

The one positive was that more countries seem to be singing in their own languages.

I didn't have the option of golf, but I'd rather watch John Craven explaining the workings of a carburettor than golf. A game to play not watch now Peter Alliss is dead.

Settle doesn't deserve the shame.

It isn't gay in the sense of homosexual. It's a straight concept of camp, designed to appeal more to the LCD than the LGBTQ.

Apparently the guy's brother is a singer. Surely you'd break the news to him rather than let him become a public idiot?

The rest of Europe laughs with it, we try to laugh at it and then hate coming last. We could easily send something really good and let them pick the bones out of it.

[spireitematt]

The song we had wasn't a great song but it wasn't that bad. UK, Germany, Spain, Italy and France are the top 5 which host the show and put the money into it and it was France and Italy who did a lot better than Spain, Germany and ourselves. Is there political voting? Yes but the problem with the UK is we take the competition too seriously when it's just a bit of fun and a laugh.

I agree with Amelia we should send a comedian next year. Bill Bailey said he would throw his hat into the ring but the BBC pick the artist to represent the UK.

[Lord Snooty]

I just happened to catch the winning song from the Italians as I was channel hopping on Saturday night. Heard about 30 seconds of it and turned over.

I don't mind all the camp stupidity of it all and I used to love the "excitement" of the voting, but the music is awful. If music it do be?

As for the UK music industry. When was the last time we had a decent record made from anybody British? Somebody suggested persuading Ed Sheeran or Adele to take part. God, no! Though they are both multi millionaires, I would rather listen to the lad from Settle than either of them.

The last great UK Eurovision song was probably from that Aussie lass Gina G. Ooh Ah Just a Little Bit went on to be the top selling record in Europe that year, 25 years ago in 1996, but only came 8th in the contest and I don't think we've had a top ten finish since.

Yes, some of the voting is undoubtedly political and maybe somebody ought to ask ourselves why the rest of the world despises this self centred, arrogant sceptered isle that every asylum seeker wants to live in.

Anyway, to win, or even score a point, we need a catchy, party song, sung by somebody young, with a vivacious personality and a wacky gimmick.

My vote goes to........

Count Binface!!!!

No, seriously. I've no idea who, but there must be loads out there fitting the description.

[Ska'dForLife-WBA]

The last great UK Eurovision song was probably from that Aussie lass Gina G. Ooh Ah Just a Little Bit went on to be the top selling record in Europe that year, 25 years ago in 1996, but only came 8th in the contest and I don't think we've had a top ten finish since.

To be fair, we won it the very next year with Katrina & The Waves singing a song that wasn't half as good a pop track as Ooh Aah, but was undoubtedly more "Eurovision" in its style and theme.

Although political and cultural voting does happen, I think people tend to over-egg it and use it as a comfort blanket when we repeatedly lose. Russia and Israel aren't exactly winning any popularity contests in Europe of late, but both countries have won Eurovision since the UK last did; twice in Israel's case. As others have said, a large part of the problem is that faceless BBC committees play way too much of a part in the selection of the song. Even when they put it to a public vote, they approve what gets on the shortlist, so it's a "choice" of forgettable, samey shite. In the absence of anyone with actual talent wanting to touch the competition with a barge pole, there's no chance of us ever even throwing anything a bit quirky and different into the mix, like Italy and Finland did with their entries this year. It's all as boring and predictable as the inevitable last-place finish.

[Lord Snooty]

Of course. I, for some reason, thought Katrina was before Gina, but obviously not.

1997 was the year Tony Blair and Katrina won and Diana lost her life.

[Devongone]

Dear old Snoots the moment you think there is no good music out there should be the signal that you are old enough for two Covid jabs, whatever age-group they're doing. It's time to contact Stannah and get the cocoa in.

Despite the current trend towards legislating against the performance of live music in a smaller venues where up-coming bands will learn their trade, only the Beeb could have found such an untalented performer with such an ordinary song to cruelly thrust into an international competition. Had he any serious hopes of a career they've been destroyed haven't they? Unless flat, fat and pointless become fashionable he's had his chips (as he clearly has far too many times already).

It's too late for us to adopt a comic approach. We've missed the punchline by about fifteen years. We worked out that almost all the songs were pretty crappy, so we deliberately tried to send our impression of crappy Euro songs .......... and it doesn't work. It's like Keir Starmer turning up in Hartlepool and having himself filmed eating fish and chips and drinking a pint (exactly his Islington lifestyle .... not). Being deliberately bad, playing down doesn't work. You just become bad at being bad. Our effort even looked sad.

The song was that bad. It had no catch line, was pretty tuneless and eminently eminently forgettable. It was the homework you did on the bus going to school. Go to any college or university music department and you'll find students capable of dashing off something better at the drop of a baton.