[theo_luddite]

Reading between the lines ....

Here is Prime Minister Boris Johnson's letter to Conservative MPs in full:

"Tonight we have the chance to end weeks of media speculation and take this country forward, immediately, as one united party. "That damned United."

Tonight is the moment to draw a line under the issues our opponents want us to talk about – and to focus instead on what really matters: the needs of the voters who sent us to Westminster. "It's always been about you and it always will be"

I am asking you for your support tonight because I know how much we can achieve together. "Is that why you got rid of anyone that opposed you before?"

Together, we won the biggest mandate for the Conservative Party in 40 years. As we promised, we resolved the long Brexit crisis and created a new and friendly relationship with the European Union. "Er, you've failed so far on both counts"

When the UK was hit by the worst global pandemic for a century, we showed the drive and grip to deliver the first approved vaccine anywhere in the world followed by the fastest vaccine roll-out in Europe. "Er, that was delivered by the NHS in spite of your best efforts to nobble them."

It was because we took tough but responsible decisions during the pandemic that we were able to reopen our economy speedily – with the result that we now have the lowest unemployment since 1974. "Well with 180,000 dead folk now not looking for work and a couple of million with long covid unable to work properly, no wonder you like to make yourself look good. That claim has been rubbished several times."

And we took the tough decision to become the first European country to help the Ukrainians to protect themselves against Russian aggression; and I am proud of the leadership the UK has shown. "You took the tough, sorry, easy decision to make it impossible for any of their refugees to settle here."

From tackling social care to striking an economic and migration partnership with Rwanda, we have shown time and again that we can be trusted to deliver bold and innovative solutions to difficult and longstanding problems. "We're top of the league when it comes to being World Leading racist bastards and driving more people into poverty"

I say all this not because I want to take satisfaction in past achievements but because now is the time to concentrate every ounce of that same energy and drive on the priorities of the British people. "Sun readers don't care what I do as long as Page 3 has a lass with big tits and nice teeth"

As the whole world struggles with the economic impact of Putin’s aggression, we have already taken decisive action – just as we took decisive action during Covid – to shield the public from the energy price spike. "Your action (or rather lack of it other than giving your cronies £millions) during Covid was always indecisive, unless it meant ordering in the wine, cheese and pizza's for afternoon work events at No. 10. By and large the poor that should get most help as usual will benefit the least from what you've done so far."

We are helping 8 million of the most vulnerable households with £1200 of support, amid many other measures. "See above - highly debateable, those with multiple houses will get most benefits".

We can do this because we have the fiscal firepower to help, because of the tough – and contested -decisions we took during covid. We are finding the cash because we are compassionate Conservatives, and because it is the right thing to do. "Conservatives and compassionate don't belong in the same sentence, you're lying yet again."

But we also know that you cannot just spend your way out of inflation, and you cannot tax your way into growth. "But you are doing your best to try."

Over the next few weeks Rishi and I will be setting out all the ways in which we will be using Conservative principles to take advantage of our new freedoms, cut costs, and drive growth. "Well, Rishi might be, hopefully you won't, but I won't hold my breath on that one based on his best efforts at tax cuts so far."

We will cut the costs of government. "We'll cut civil service jobs, making you wait for a passport or driving licence renewal even longer" We will cut the costs of business. "We'll help business to cut jobs and pay less redundancy money." And we will cut the costs of families up and down the country. "We'll find ways to help your sick and elderly die sooner, mainly by denying them NHS help, so you don't have to pay as much for as long for their care."

From Transport to Childcare to Energy to Housing – we will drive reform and find ways of reducing each major item of household expenditure. "If we put you out of work you won't need to go anywhere, you won't need childcare and without any money coming in you won't be able to afford your energy bills either. So we'll cut that off too so it won't cost you anything. Win-win really?".

And we will of course devote all our energy to reducing the biggest single household outgoing of all – the tax bill. It must come down, and it will, because that is the best way to deliver the growth we need. "Er, you just put everyone's tax bill up - other than for those that squirrel money away in tax havens."

By throwing ourselves into this project we will deliver above all on what we were elected to do in 2019 – uniting and levelling up, with high wage high skill jobs across the whole country. "Someone still has to do the low skilled low paid jobs you moron. We can't all be computer programmers."

That means whoever you are, wherever you live, whatever your background, we will give you the opportunity to make the most of your talents. "We'll make you unemployed first though so you are grateful for the high skilled, high paid fruit and veg picking job we give you through one of our favoured 3rd party agencies who will take 30% of your slightly less than minimum wage as their fee. You will be classed as self-employed so you won't get the living or minimum wage."

By levelling up, by unleashing the potential of every corner of the United Kingdom with our continuing investments in infrastructure, skills and technology, we want to make the UK the most prosperous economy in Europe. "Your record as the UK Governing Party goes before you. Your history would tend to say otherwise. I'd say you might be lying again."

That is our vision: of a strong and prosperous United Kingdom, with our beloved Union protected and supported, projecting the best of British values around the world. " You are a complete and utter joke in the eyes of the rest of the world. You wouldn't know what those values are if they slapped you in the face."

We can do it, but it will need all our collective resolve to help our country through what will be difficult months ahead. "With you in charge every month has been and will continue to be difficult. As they will be if you are removed as your Parliamentary Party doesn't appear to have two braincells to rub together between them."

I do not believe our voters will lightly forgive us if – just when they need us most to be focussing on them – we appear once again to be focussing on Westminster politics. "The leopard isn't about to change it's spots - it's all about you."

I am afraid the only beneficiaries will be our opponents. "We can but hope."

I know that over recent months I have come under a great deal of fire, and I know that experience has been painful for the whole party. "No shit, Sherlock."

Some of that criticism has perhaps been fair, some less so. Where there have been valid points, I have listened and learned and made significant changes. "Care to name any?"

And I will of course continue to listen and learn from colleagues about the improvements you wish to see.      "Whatever."

But I cannot stress too much that we have a golden chance to put this behind us now. "Still in full denial mode I see."

With your support, I believe that tonight we have a great prize within our grasp. We can put an end to the media’s favourite obsession. "The Tory media's favourite obsession is protecting you, you prick, how come you haven't noticed? I this, I that, I the other - it's still all about you."

We can get on with the job without the noises off. "3 years and counting, when are planning to start?"

And I am absolutely confident that if we can unite in the days ahead then in due course we will win again, repay the trust of the 14 million who voted for us, and continue to serve the country we love. "More voted against you, but you gerrymandered a result in your favour as you continue to do. You serve the foreign oligarchs and other rich Brits that pay you and fund your party, often by nefarious means, not the voters, do keep up at the back, er, despatch box."

With best wishes,

Yours ever,

Rt Hon Boris Johnson MP
Prime Minister and Leader of the Conservative Bullington Bullshit Party"

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Someone suggested on the Grauniad webpage he could be rated according to The Bristol Stool Chart - take your pick, he's a pile of shit whatever you choose.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/article...tool-types